Many people are afraid to get into a loving relationship because they fear being hurt again.
They may have been betrayed in a relationship as an adult. Perhaps they lost their mom or dad when they were young, or had painful relationship with a parent. Now they feel vulnerable whenever someone gets close.
But it doesn’t have to be that way forever. If someone wants a loving relationship, they can learn how to create a connection that’s safe, secure, comfortable and close.
People struggling to find love frequently find themselves feeling ambivalent as another person gets closer.
As intimacy increases, they intently focus on any problems, mistakes or threats that the individual may present. Of course, since people aren’t perfect, they’ll always find flaws.
The question is whether a potential partner’s issues pose a genuine risk or whether they’re merely inevitable issues that need to be addressed. Problems such as a history of hostility, infidelity, substance abuse or unrelenting criticism are legitimate threats to having a successful loving relationship.
But differences around money or sex, for example, are pretty typical even in really good relationships. Studies show that successful couples are able to do two things:
1. Engage in ongoing conversations that progressively lead to a resolution of issues.
2. Create counterbalance by generating 6-8-10 positive moments.
If you’re going to have love in your life, you’re also going to have some painful moments.
No partner can be perfect (yourself included), so problems are inevitable. Can you and your potential partner stay calm enough to address the issue in a way that produces a win-win outcome?
When building a well-balanced relationship, people need to learn how to avoid allowing problems to become a consuming focus contaminating their entire relationship. Containing conflict requires that partners tell themselves that the problem will subside shortly because they’ll work out a solution. Then they’ll be able to move onto creating a good connection in other aspects of their life. Do you both believe that problems will eventually be resolved, freeing yourselves to concentrate on giving yourselves the gift of a satisfying love life?
Which leads to the next question in assessing whether a relationship will work out in the long run: Have the two of you developed a vision of what it would look like if you were both happy? Can you each picture yourself engaging in activities that would create loving moments?
You can only move forward to a good place if you know what that place will look like when you get there. To make choices about what direction to choose right now necessitates that you have a destination in mind. And it requires that you understand the other person’s picture of what happiness looks like.
Do the two of you act in ways that align with the vision you each have? Do your behaviors usually make the other person feel loved? If you can’t — in spite of your best efforts — create a connection filled with an abundance of loving moments, pick a different person.
Partners in happy relationships know how to create positive experiences with one another in spite of their problems.
“But I don’t feel like it,” unhappy people whine. “My partner did this bad thing and I can’t make myself to do something nice for them.”
Hogwash. You can make whatever choice you want. Do you always feel like doing what you have to do to keep your job? Of course not, but you do it anyhow because you want the paycheck.
Ultimately it feels good to have done a good job, to have received rewards and recognition, and especially to have been promoted to a higher level. When there are problems at work, successful people put more energy into the situation to turn it around. What makes you think that you don’t have to do the same thing at home?
If you want a positive payoff in your personal life there will be times that you have to do things even when you don’t feel like it.
Feelings follow behavior. When you act in ways that are likely to produce positive experiences, you’ll displace the negative emotions with loving feelings. Can each of you let go of resentment and do something to put a smile on the other person’s face?
Happy couples are committed to doing whatever it takes to create loving moments. They know what will bring joy to each of their hearts, and they spend 80 percent of their time and energy focused on making that happen.
By TOM MUHA
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Advocates of Elevated Living
- Are You Willingly Chaining Yourself to Unhappiness? (bdclifeinstyle.com)
- Will A Relationship Make You Happy? (iamstevewhyte.wordpress.com)
- Your most important relationship. (selflovewarrior.com)
- 4 Health Benefits to Being in a Relationship (nouveaudating.com)
- A new way of BEing : The Relationship Cure (ammazegendios.wordpress.com)
- WakingTimes – Jona Bryndis – Understanding True Love & Twin Soul Relationships – 19 October 2013 (lucas2012infos.wordpress.com)