I use to use this stock phrase which I think I made up.
I do read and watch a lot of media so it could of come from somewhere else but for now I’ll own it (lol). The phrase is as follows,
“If you can’t give with a good heart then don’t give at all it costs the other person too much”
Now the context I used this sentence in was always used by me referring to people who give you things. Everybody likes to be given a gift it makes you feel valued and considered. Sometimes though you are given things that have no value by the giver but still they expect gratitude. I guess that is OK a give is still a give. I think if people offer you things you should always say yes. If they’ve given with a good heart it’s never a problem. I never ask but if someone offers then taking is honoring their action. If they are not genuine in their ‘give’ this is when the problem starts resentments arise and it’s just not a good stew. It kinda tastes bitter.
I had a friend who lived abroad
and every time he came back to our native land he would insist on eating Chinese food. Now he stayed at mine and I was more than happy to see him because we had fun together and at the time I though we both sang from the same hymn sheet Well one time he came for a weekend and we literally ate the same meal for supper 3 nights in a row. He bought the food, he chose the dishes and I provided the back drop a roof, plates etc. Now I thought I was giving to him because he loved Chinese food so I let him choose, and he thought his give was the fact that he bought it. This is how this phrase arose. I think the fact that I placed his needs above my desires was perhaps wrong. It bleed into other situations where I thought he respected my give but in fact it turned out that he thought I should be grateful. You should be grateful, and I was but only because I thought he was grateful that I decided to put his needs before mine. What I came to realize is that I could of been anybody he would of bought what he wanted to eat anyway irrespective of me or anyone-else. His give was not a give it was selfish because he only though of his needs. I acknowledge that there were plenty of instances where he wasn’t selfish no situation is ever one sided.
Now I know your gonna say you didn’t have to do that you could of ordered what you wanted and yes your right. I was saving him money so he didn’t have to buy extra dishes. I never took his generosity for granted it isn’t my money. Now I think I may of been dumb but in the long run I think I was saved. His attitude was always like that and I’m not saying he was a horrible person because he isn’t. People treat you how you allow them to and what I should of done was become more self interested. You ask yourself then what’s the difference between being selfish and self-interested.
This is what I’ve come up with:
* Selfishness is when you please yourself knowing that what you choose will hurt someone’s feelings or life. You do what feeds your needs whether it has a detrimental effect on someone else or not. You do not care what the outcome of your choices are as long as you are happy. If this involves hurting, abandoning, harming, betraying someone else you’ll do it because YOU DON’T CARE.
Typical phrases that are dead give away that you are being selfish are:
* “The heart wants what the heart wants”
* “It’s not my problem anyway”
* “When push comes to shove I’m putting me first!” (Generally said when people are hurt)
* “This is really a good opportunity for me and I won’t let anybody get in my way” (Fear based sentence born out of thinking that good opportunities are limited.
* “It would kill me if you have a baby/house/job/car etc before me?” Just nasty cursing yourself and the friend your talking to.
* Feel free to add your own phrases below I know you’ll have some goodies because all of these things have been said to me lol
* Self Interested: Is when you do what pleases you without wanting to harm or have a negative effect on anyone else. You care for your needs because you listen to yourself. You become the best friend you always wanted. You do not need to be aggressive about looking after you and honoring your interests because when you do so people except your explanation readily. You should always have an explanation, if you don’t then your probably being selfish and trying to disguise it.
Typical phrases that are dead give away that you are being self interested are:
* “I just need some time for me to fix/relax/understand etc”
* “I’ll get back to you as soon as I’ve rested/fixed/thought etc”
* “I understand that when I help you I am helping myself because you may not thank me but I know my life will send me people who will.
* “I’m not going to get angry with you because you will be angry whether I am or not, let’s talk when you calm down”
* “Can you please be honest and tell me what’s truthfully wrong because I can’t read your mind. I don’t want to be drawn into a situation which will have me jumping to the wrong conclusion because your not being clear?”(Now the last two will probably make a really angry person want to stab you in the neck so don’t stand near them when you say it or you might die lol)
Here is something I found on You-tube the guys eyes travel a little I think he’s reading it but what he says is spot on. Ignore the dog collar and the God references if your so inclined but don’t dismiss him because what he says is very helpful.
I think the author below flips between the two meanings of self love and selfishness.
His story involves the protagonist taking responsibility for his desire. He was not selfish because I don’t think anybody intelligent chooses selfishness as a vehicle for action. You may start a business because you want to be rich but the money you chase may take a while before it rolls in so you have to care about what you choose to do for a living. He says the universe stepped in to help him. The universe always honors good so if you desire your plans to work. It makes sense not to be selfish but self-interested. There is a big difference, just ask Hitler and any other dictator who has ruled selfishly and is currently being chased out of office!
When you listen to both men I think it’s pretty clear who makes the most sense. For me it’s the person who makes my heart feel at ease and whose words are clear and speak directly to me.
Thank you for your time and interst. Please like, share or comment